I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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