I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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