remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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