Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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