my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
