worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
