I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
