Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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