yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
