there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
