So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
