Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
