life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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