i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
