i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
