"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
