It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
