this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
How external is "for external use only"?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
