dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Randomize
