Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
