I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
