Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
