Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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