I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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