she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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