Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
