i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
