I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
