Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
