Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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