I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
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