I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
