Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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