There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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