If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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