he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
