dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
we're so committed to being not committed
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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