his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
