I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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