Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
