his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
