my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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