Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
