There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
