her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
