Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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