You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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