Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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