??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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