I think I won the penis lottery.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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