Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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