i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
