The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
