You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
