Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
