he wants to bone in the snuggie
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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