your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
