I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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